September 3, 2010   11 notes

New and Improved

Just a quick note to say the site’s been expanded at with a comments section, and NOW a map you can contribute to under “Worldwide Wankers”. I’ll update here as well, but do have a look.


August 25, 2010   21 notes

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Wanker #8

Back on my bike! And on one of my first outings I met one of those stalwarts of the road: the Taxi-Driver. I was turning into a junction box, to turn right, you know, as the Highway Code says I should. Whilst on the Junction Box, he decided he would start moving across my path, which he shouldn’t have done. How would he react to this? He stopped in my path and said “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, you silly cow?” I’m observing the Highway Code on my bike. What an outrage! I wanted to suggest he read the Highway Code too. It’s great. It taught me far more about life and love than War and Peace. A case in point:

162. Before overtaking you should make sure

What a great metaphor for dating. However, rather than share my gems of wisdom with him I flipped him the bird, and rode off, but not before memorising his registration plate. So if you see a Burgundy taxi, with the reg plate LD02 CUV don’t get in it. The guy’s a tosser and doesn’t observe the Highway Code. If you have a similar incident with a taxi driver, you can report it here as I’ve done.

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August 14, 2010   12 notes

Public Service Announcement

As you may have noticed, there have been far fewer wankers recently due to the biggest wanker of all stealing my bike. If you need your fix of wankers, I’d suggest reading the comments on this post, or reading one of these two articles on the subject. I can’t thank people enough for all of the kind comments, emails and messages sent over the past week: I will reply to them all, once I get a chance to sit down with a cup of tea. Particularly lovely were the folks at LFGSS who incredibly offered to build me a bike. Terrifying generosity. The past week without a bike has been an immense annoyance, having to use that hotbed of misanthropy, the Underground, and that den of iniquity, the nightbus. There was even a runaway tube train on the Northern Line to contend with yesterday. So due to this, and a certain amount of sentimentality, I’ve found a bike on ebay that is a better condition version of my old bike, with that most prized of all commuting tools: PANNIERS. So I’ll be hunched over my PC at about 8pm this evening, battling to win it. And who knows, I may even be back on two wheels by the end of the weekend.

August 9, 2010   21 notes

Wanker #7 

Wanker #7 is the biggest wanker of all: someone stole my bike :( From the bike stands outside Beckton Asda.

Here is a poster I made: feel free to print it out and hang it where you like. Especially if you live in Brick Lane.

I’m a bit cut up about it, mainly because my bike was properly old: it was 5 years older than me, and snagged for a fiver off eBay (from a recognised seller, I hasten to add). I was attached to the bike, mainly because of its flaws. It was rusty, the saddle was cracked and the mudguards rattled whenever I cycled. The rear wheel was flat, so whoever stole it had a lot to deal with. Loads of you have offered really kind comments, and a lot of people have asked me if they can contribute to replace the old wanker-chaser. I wasn’t going to, but considering I’ve only ridden ancient step through frames, it won’t be expensive to replace. So if you do want to contribute, my paypal address is the same as my email address, or you can drop me an email. And if you live in London, keep an eye out for the biggest wanker of all who stole my beloved bike. The wanker.

Edit: The bike looks just like this, without pannier racks and has a crack in the left hand side of the seat. 

August 8, 2010   9 notes

Wanker #6

Our latest wanker was not a motorist. A rarity so far in this blog, but not in real life. Cycling down a quiet road in Beckton, I clocked a group of four teenage boys. They clocked me too. I don’t pretend to understand the mind of a teenage boy, never having been one, but it seems that whenever a group of boys spot a female cyclist, like Pavlov’s dog they have no choice but to wordlessly nominate a spokesman to hurl some ill-thought out half-baked attempt at an insult. To fail at this, would be to fail at being a teenage boy in a group. I imagine many teenage boys begrudge this universal obligation as much as adults despise depositing cheques at banks on Saturday mornings. This time, however, they couldn’t even manage words. The tallest scalliwag ran towards me roaring, with his arms gyrating like a windmill. I like to think of this as a reverse Don Quixote scene, with me on my rusty 28 year old pink bike. 

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Thanks for all your comments and emails so far. I’ve had a lot of questions, so have written a lengthy blog post on what convinced me to start this project here

August 6, 2010   19 notes

Wankers #4 & #5

Wanker #4 was encountered yesterday evening when my chain helpfully fell off just outside the Amersham Arms (lovely pub, you should go there). After hearing the familiar crunch, I hopped onto the pavement, and flipped my bike over to fix it. 12 male cyclists stopped to ask if I needed help in about 6 minutes. One male motorist, however, shouted “Ha ha! You fucking cyclist twat!” What a gent.

Wanker #5 had a convertible. Not a huge surprise. He leaned over when driving to shout “Watch me overtake you" which i did, while he drove off laughing. Five minutes later, as he sat in traffic leading up to Kennington Park, I smiled at him and said "Watch me overtake you". Brilliant.

August 5, 2010   6 notes

Wankers #2 & #3

This morning’s first wanker was in New Cross. He saw me cycling down New Cross Road, as he was waiting to turn onto the same road. Rather than wait until the road was clear, he nudged the front of his car into the road, far enough to stop me, but not far enough to trouble the motorists alongside me. As I was forced to stop next to his window, he turned and shouted “Know your place, woman” before driving off.

Our second wanker caught me on Greenwich High Road as we waited at some temporary lights. After shouting “Oi!” repeatedly, I turned to see him pretending to masturbate. We were next to Greenwich Pumping Station, which is probably a coincidence since he didn’t seem bright enough to have come up with a contextual sex-based comment.

August 4, 2010   19 notes

Wanker #1

Our first wanker was angry that a bicycle was on the road. He hit his horn whilst behind me, whilst I was waiting in the cycle box at the traffic lights. As he turned at the junction alongside me, he continued to use his horn. At the next traffic lights, he rolled his window down to shout “You stupid fucking slut, get off the road and onto the pavement, you stupid bitch”. He was in his company vehicle, so rather than rise to his bait, I took my iPhone out and openly took a photo of his registration plate. For some reason this shut him up.

The company in question is Cannon Hygiene. I’ve written to them to tell them about their driver, and will update if they get back to me.